My Easter in Hollywood

Chalk it up to Catholic guilt if you'd like, but I went to church on Easter.

I'm not a religious person. Despite growing up in a Catholic household in the MidWest, I lost my desire to attend mass on a regular basis. Perhaps I had quite a few issues with the Church's dogma. Perhaps I'd rather have a nice breakfast with friends. Perhaps it's both.

Regardless, I only usually go to mass twice a year: Christmas and Easter. And for those times I have to go kicking and screaming.

Usually.

Like the big boy I tend to think I am, I decided to go to church without any coaxing. I blame Catholic Guilt for a big chunk of it. Plus, what else was I to do when April was out for an hour and a half? I really didn't need to sit at home and watch television or fuck around on Facebook. Besides, it was a nice day. I needed to get out.

A tiny, tiny piece of me thought that I might get something out of it but I'd never admit to it.

Attending Easter mass in Hollywood was one of the oddest things I've done. The best word I can think of to describe it all was "mishmash." There was a lot to look at, which was a great thing for someone like me who liked to people watch. I also was a bit unexcited to be there. It kept my mind occupied.

At the beginning, the normal attendees you see at California churches were there: Filipinos, Mexicans and us whities.

We were early and the show was about to begin.

First came the rocker couple. He looked like a young Jon Bon Jovi, complete with the teased out blonde hair and his roots showing. She had straight, jet-black hair with bright blue highlights and her eye shadow was heavy.

This was gonna be good.

I spent the next hour and a half watching people. This is what I saw:

• There was a guy with a mohawk, tats and heavy gauge earrings. While this isn't odd at all, it sure beats the type of people that usually attend the masses I go to. Of course, the only place I normally go to to church are St. Louis, San Jose and Modesto.
  

• A lady that wore a shiny, gold rosary as a head band. It didn't work for her. In fact, it made her look batshit insane.

• A lady who was drinking a Sprite. I heard the faint hiss of the bottle opening and was surprised when I turned around to see her. In her defense, she didn't look so well. I'm pretty sure she trying to settle her stomach. Personally I'm a 7-Up man. But, I suppose Sprite would work in a pinch.
  

• A guy a couple of rows in front of us who was wearing a t-shirt that read I Got My Last Piece of Tail at Bourbon Street Station. The accompanying picture showed a cartoon of a man biting the tail of an alligator. The alligator seemed more perplexed by this concept than angry. I really hope this wasn't this man's best shirt.

• A woman who answered her phone in the middle of with the following conversation, "I'm in Church! What? It's in the closet. Okay. Bye." She was whispering the whole time. She was also right next to us.
  

• Many homosexual couples. Which, I thought was nice because one of the reasons I stopped believing in the Church was their view on homosexuality. I'm not entirely sure what this means other than God is cool with it all seeing as how they didn't get struck by lightning as soon as they walked in the door.

• Lots of pretty, fit people. This was nice as the last time I was in Church I was in St. Louis. There were a lot of obese people. There was also standing room only. I remember turning to my sister and saying, "Y'know... they could fit more people in the pews if they lost weight." This was a shining example to show that the skinnier people are, the more that will fit in the pews.

Hollywood is without a doubt a strange place.

I won't go far into detail about the whole ceremony. I did enjoy the sermon. Communion took too long. I almost passed out from feeling a bit claustrophobic. I was happy I didn't get struck by lightning. I was equally happy that the holy water didn't burn my skin. Y'know... the typical stuff.

I'm good until Christmas.

Unless someone gets married this year. That's a bit unlikely these days. But, that's another story...